A Lifetime Struggle

“It’s never too late – in fiction or in life – to revise.” ~Nancy Thayer

I titled this post "A Lifetime Struggle". The reason behind that is that for me, weight loss has truly been a struggle since i can remember. As a young child, when i was fairly active, i assume i was among the "average" size. I would go through "huskier" stages but what child doesn't? The time that i truly remember my weight becoming a problem was in the 6th grade. Middle school, which is in my opinion the most emotional three years of a child's life. The point between you are who they tell you, and you know who you are. When you are exploring your sexuality, hormones are running wild, and other kids start to get mean. It is when i believe i became aware of others, their looks and opinions. When i started to notice that i couldn't quite wear the clothes other girls could. The boys didn't give me the same attention that they did other girls. One memory that sticks out in my mind; I had a crush on a boy in my homeroom class. I had a friend ask if he would "go out" with me. He said no and she asked him why. He said "Because she's fat." I had never thought of myself as "fat" before. As a matter of fact i had really never heard someone call another person fat before. Just like that, a lifetime of comparing myself to others had begun. I came home that day and looked at myself in the mirror. I stared at myself until i was convinced, he was right. 


And there i was. Barely 13 years old and walking around embarrassed of myself. Self conscious of every move i made. Hiding my flaws with baggy t-shirts and sweatshirts. Not concentrating on school or just being myself. Constantly trying to keep up with the crowd. Spending morning after morning crying, clothes spread all over the floor, cause i didn't feel good in anything. Just like that, it became about how much money my parents didn't have. How they couldn't afford Abercrombie and Hollister, nor could i really fit into them. Who i was friends with, who i wasn't friends with. People would make fun of me, i would make fun of others. Girls would throw condom wrappers at my head in class making fun of the fact that i had never had sex before. They would tell me nobody likes me because im fat or ugly. Feeling alone, trying to find a group to fit in with.
Then finally meeting friends you can relate to, friends that don't judge you or make you feel different. A few of those friends i am still friends with today. It breaks my heart that this is what its become. When kids get so mean? Thinking about my own daughter going through anything similar, brings tears to my eyes. I pray that i can give her the strength, guidance and values that will help to spare her of this emotional torture.

Now the transition to High school. Where its not quite as bad. You figure out who your friends are and you stick with them. Where i still got made fun of, but quickly got to the point where i could shrug it off. I learned to walk around with a smile on my face even though i was hurting inside. I continued to wear baggy t-shirts to hide my stomach. I continued to be self conscious of everything about me. I remember people "moo-ing" at me as i walked through the breezeways. Though it would hurt my feelings, i brushed it off. I was quiet and reserved, and for those of you that know me that is NOT who i am. My parents were getting divorced, so home life was nothing less than disheveled. I didn't have a boyfriend. I didn't think any guy would like me much less love me so i didn't even bother. I daydreamed of famous band members and actors. I had various crushes but would adore them from a distance. I continued to eat with bad habits, and exercise was non-existent. Eating seemed to be a comfort for me. The one thing that i had absolute control over. Something no one could take away from me. 


Looking back now, from the perspective of an adult and a mother i can't believe i let that stuff bother me. I cant believe i let others control who i was. If i had gone into school everyday and shown everyone who i really am, concentrated on what i was at school to do, my how things would've been different. Hind sight is twenty twenty right?  Now after two children, my body, mind and ideals have changed dramatically. It is no longer about being skinny or what most people think looks "good". Its no longer about me myself and i. Now i feel i have to make a LIFESTYLE change. Not only for me, but for my children. I want to set good examples for them. I want them to grow up accustomed to a healthy lifestyle as well. In hopes of sparing them the struggles with weight i have encountered over the years. I am doing this for me, my children and my husband. They deserve to have a mother and wife that can participate in everything they do, and be around to watch them grow. They are my inspiration, my willpower and what drives me to make a difference in my life to make a difference in theirs.